Just Google it, Mom…

I’ve read that the average child asks roughly 288 questions per day. I’m not impressed. In my house, it’s more like 562. Which leads me to the purpose of this blog…

My son has odd and thought provoking questions each day that I struggle to understand the point of, much less have a legitimate answer for. My husband (aka the smart one, aka the repository for useless facts, aka the guy who disappears everyday from 8-5) thinks it’s wonderfully precocious AND that we should be encouraging this whimsical curiosity.

Amateur.

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Dear Car Line Cutters

Dear Car Line Cutters:

I need to get something off my chest. I loathe you. You people who cut the line incite rage and stir up violent thoughts in my otherwise peaceful and harmonious existence. I wish explosive diarrhea on you when you’re stuck in traffic and there’s no bathroom around for miles, so you’re forced to clench your buttocks with all your might in a futile attempt to stop the liquid freight train from forcefully chugging through your gastric canal on a rage fueled mission to cleanse your colon. Continue reading

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PUT YOUR KIDS TO BED IN 36 EASY STEPS

Do you ever think to yourself, “Why is it so hard to put these kids to bed?!”

Personally, I could fall asleep while standing up. I’m not even sure I’m awake right now? I’ve been in a permanent zombie-like state since I entered the parenting trenches 7 years, 6 months, 7 days, and 13 hours ago…but who’s counting?

After spending each day with little creatures who are powered with the energy of a thousand suns, I can’t fathom how they don’t pass out once their tiny heads hit their fluffy little pillows. But they don’t. At least mine don’t.

My seven years have taught me some things though. Things that I have painstakingly compiled into handy little steps for you to follow, to ensure the bedtime routine is pain free and smooth sailing…. Continue reading

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A Classic Christmas Parody: Away In The Suburbs

We are just 6 days out from Christmas Day and if you listen really closely you can hear the sound of sugar hyped children across the world excitedly chanting “Santa! Santa!” While parents everywhere can be heard taking deep breaths while trying to make it to Christmas morning with their sanity still intact. Perhaps you’re stuck in some random line wasting  hours of your life that you’ll NEVER get back, waiting to buy that hot new toy that your kid “has to have.” Or maybe you’re sitting in traffic as you make the trek in your overpacked minivan from the safety and serenity of your own home to your in-law’s house for an eye roll inducing, eggnog chugging, holiday celebration.

Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, here is my version of an old classic Christmas carol that will give you a much needed laugh in your time of stress. 

 Fa-la-la-la-la. Continue reading

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My View From The Top Of The Hill

I don’t know why but the 5 and 10 year increments of my life always feel so significant to me. Each time you enter a new decade it’s a big deal. Unchartered territory. A chance to blaze a new and exciting trail. A fresh start. Like how it feels at the beginning of each new school year when you’re a kid and anything seems possible.

The 5 year increments are a big deal because YIKES(!!) you’re halfway through, so you’d better enjoy the time you have left in that decade.

It sounds silly as I type it out but I’ve always felt this way.

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We all need the D…

Big Boss was laying his head down for sweet slumber when he just needed to utter a few more syllables…

“I love you, Mom.”

Nope. Try again.

“Mom, what is Vitamin D?”

Yep…that was his final thought of the night.

It’s a vitamin…your body needs it, now go to sleep you hyper-aware being. 

Fine. I’ll google it and have an in-depth report on your desk in the morning, sir.

Apparently my super health conscious son isn’t the only one who lays awake at night concerned with Vitamin D.

I stumbled upon this gem in my research.

we-all-need-the-d-lead

Vitamin D…Why? What were you thinking?

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Mom, what is the rarest gem of all?

The rarest gem of all?

Um…they’re all special in their own way. Like snowflakes.

Fine…my completely uneducated guess would be a diamond…

This “gem” came to my son during the twilight hours when he should have been winding down for sleep. Instead, every night he decides this is his favorite time to discuss the events of the day and how we’ll go about achieving world peace. Seriously?! Go to bed! How can you NOT be tired?! You’re NEVER tired! It’s like being tired would force him to admit some kind of human weakness. If only I could impart the knowledge to him that sleep would allow all of us to win. Sweet victory for everyone. World peace starts at home. Everyone knows this. Continue reading

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Ain’t nuthin’ but a 3 thang, baby.

toddler3

Ain’t nuthin’ but a 3 thang, baby.

Until I had Baby Boss I was convinced that the “Terrible Twos” were just a myth. I know…I deserve that eye roll.  I hadn’t even heard about the “Terrorist Threes.” I was under the desperately wrong impression that I was just a kick ass parent. Needless to say…I’m not. My ego has been put in check. Big Boss is like a magical unicorn. Baby Boss is a terrifying dictator who has borderline personality disorder. I am holding out serious hope that she’ll grow out of it. Don’t crush my dreams with your silly little thing called reality.

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