The First Of Many Heartbreaks

Merriam-Webster defines Heartbreak as: crushing grief, anguish, or distress

This morning I had the distinct displeasure of experiencing all of these emotions. All because of a boy, and here I thought I was done with broken hearts caused by careless boys when I left my youth behind (in the not too distant past).Alas, I was wrong. When you become the mom of a boy, you unknowingly sign up to have your heart broken all over again.

Just like in junior high, when the boy you worshipped told you he needed space and didn’t want to date anymore. I actually dodged a bullet there but didn’t realize it at the time. No, at the time, the rejection was all encompassing. It was tragic for me. An angsty teen, unable to grasp the reality that life would have many twists and turns, through good places and bad and yes occasionally life would take detours through heartbreak.

Like this morning.  We took that detour. In the school car line of all places.

Now, as with all heartbreaks, I go in search of music to accompany my despair. How fitting that when I turned on the radio “Break On Me” was just starting. I enjoy a good sad song. It’s cathartic. Misery loves company.

“Break on Me…” And so I broke.

Thankfully, oversized sunglasses are still in style so the tears that were welling up could be concealed, should they spill over. (Spoiler alert: They did) As I sat at that red light waiting to escape the confines of my son’s school I relived the exchange with my sweet, aloof and goofy boy. Every morning we wait in the dreaded school car line and I say, “give me a kiss before you go.” Usually, the second love of my life (and first on the days when my husband is wearing on my patience) happily complies with a quick peck, as he hurriedly grabs his backpack and clambers out of the car. Then life marches on in a chaotically sweet way.

Today, however, life had different plans. Life halted for a moment. Heartbreak visited, courtesy of my boy.

Tragic rejection reared its ugly head as MY boy said, “EW” to our goodbye kiss ritual. Two letters and one syllable. Small, but mighty. I said okay and acted like I understood, which for the most part, I did. In this world that he is building for himself he will have to find a way to be both connected to me and disconnected from me. It’s a tricky balance and he’s finding his way, being a mama’s boy complicates things.

It would be impossible for him to comprehend what his little actions did to my heart today, and I don’t intend on telling him. He needs to know my love is unconditional and full of understanding. I vowed to love him through all of his blunders and insecurities on the day we first met. Now is the time for me to show that I really meant it.

Other heartbreaks will be on the horizon for both of us. There will be more sad songs in the future. I will soldier on and smile when I pick him up from school today.  After time apart the slate is always wiped clean.

For now, I will take all the kisses I can get at bedtime. Where he is in the safety of his own space and far away from any prying eyes that may ridicule. I know those kisses will still be given without hesitation.

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